Pictures tell this blog- 1yr anniversary

(A pretty set of purple ones, ne)
(From an intersection near my place, of the yellow flowers and looming Narita-san)
(Late afternoon spring tulip)
(Dare I call this a marigold? I have no idea)
(Narita-san and the sunset pose with Urayama Park's cherry blossoms or sakura, 桜 )

(Praju and Shri pose too)
(Ruining a perfectly good picture)

-----------------CHANGE OF PACE--------------------

(Seder for... 15! In my apartment for the first night of Pesach)
(Cooking up a storm for the second seder... for 9!)
(Hirosuke's wonderful photography captures the essence of the holiday)

(Making it a Japanese seder by saying, "Kampai" instead of "Amen." )
More Japanese-style: WASABI for the Moror!!! Hot damn... no joke!)
(Feast, more Japanese-style: CHOPSTICKS and SUSHI. The cucumber sushi is the spring "greens" and dipping them in soy sauce is like the salt water. This night we dipped twice alright... and that was just for the Karpas ritual!)

-------------------------CHANGE OF PACE--------------

("Standing at the crossroads, trying to read the sign....")
(Eric poses with the volcano at Kuju-san, 久住山 )

(It was really windy at the summit... not a bad day after below freezing temps at night! Eric and I on the top of Kuju-san, 久住山 , 1787m)
(A close-up on the vent! What a smell of sulfur dioxide!)
(Onwards, to MORDOR. Just kidding, it's only Yufu-dake, 由布岳 ... Notice the twin peaks in the distance. Haven't been there... yet!)
(We bagged this peak too, at 1780m)
(And this one... the tallest in KYUSHU, 九州 , the western island! Standing at 1791m on the top of Naka-dake, 中岳). As high as I can get these days...

road to...

can't say "recovery" but I am beginning to feel a helluva lot better.

It's hard to look at one's own eyes, or to taste one's own tongue. When caught up in the emotion/feeling, it is hard to separate oneself from it. Not to say that one ought to have a mind/body/soul/ego split because they are all connected. But to be aware of each component at any given time is a real challenge, especially because one or the other wants more attention and makes a big deal about it! Similar to any close-knit work group. My recent comparison is a class of students with one teacher... there are the quiet ones, the uninterested ones the loud ones, the fun ones, the troublemakers, the learners, and it goes on and on... the loud ones get a lot of attention, but if I remember to turn towards the quiet ones and acknowledge them with a quiet smile, I know they understand the entire lesson.

Just like one can't yell with the uninterested ones and one can't whisper to the 元気 [genki] (Japanese, look it up on kantango.com) ones, each of the above life-components needs its own recognition... specific to its needs. To fine-tune the balance comes with practice, but I know that my balance has been off. That awareness is round one. And, boy has it been a long round. And, as I am caught up in living this life, I have a hard time in separating myself from it to see where in it I actually am. Thus, the assumption will be, I am here and I am now.... listen to your own ear on that.

Doldrums continued

Destroyed. The demolition process continues. I think it started after my innards were compromised thanks to food poisoning/ virus (from gnarly, unwashed hands of a highway stop restaurant worker. That was mid-Feb. I still have aches and random pains and the tofu and broccoli that I once gulped up has been keeping me up at night.

My knees were on the verge of destruction with the abuse of months of cold in my joints; pounding on the basketball court as a center on winter nights; 20 days on the slopes; the 6km I ran without an ounce of preparation just to save face with some middle schoolers in their marathon; the continuation took the form of hiking umpteen km all around Okinawa prefecture- some with a heavy pack and some without. The biking everywhere… it’s been tough.

I did go to doctors to remedy both of the problems, but my body and mind are out of whack, out of synch and out of control. I don’t know how to control it or understand it- the dysfunction that is. I am a mess. And I am accepting it. Step one.

Step two… continue the destruction process. Instead of trying to fix it up... let it break down…

Plan a Seder for 15 people for the first night of Pesach. Cook all week in order to be ready for it… 2kg of beef, 3 pots of chicken soup, arranging transportation for friends, get others to help cook and lead the service…. By the end of Saturday night I had the worst headache I’ve had in a year… somehow the apartment was clean by Sunday morning thanks to my amazing friends.

Step three, have another Seder. Cook everything for that one too. Another pot of chicken soup and some baked chicken, add the green beans- oh, how about a potato dish too… 10 people, why not?

AMAZING SEDER. Both of them, for that matter. In the process, I was a maniac in getting everything together. And, in the process I cooked/prepared a bunch of new things for the first time and they all came out well- at least, so the critics say. But that process was the end of me… I am completely destroyed…

I am picking up the pieces now. I am trying to find all of them and put them into some order. But maybe that’s part of it. There is no order and the pieces aren’t necessarily even mine. So, there are now a bunch of scattered fragments of an old identity and a new-forming one. The weather is warmer and today was absolutely gorgeous. The azaleas are in full pastel bloom of magentas and violets and brilliant white. Lots of green and even the cicadas, who disappeared last September are making noises outside my windows for an hour in the evening.

This blog is in pieces; it is a reflection of the writer. He is torn between future and past and ideas and passions and depressions and goals and aspirations and nihilism and scrutiny. And all sorts of things. Torn up in the dualism of the Western thought process that will never fit into an Eastern mold of organized chaos. In a place where it is all grey, I have been searching for distinct blacks and whites but they don’t exist.

The school year started a couple of weeks ago and on Friday I went to a school I frequented last year. However, the vice-principal is new and so I had to go through the introductory steps with him. And he asked me a question that I hadn’t heard since September… “WHY JAPAN?”

I didn’t have an answer for him. I made one up on the spot even though I didn’t mean it. Something about traveling in Asia. This is just my first stop, I said.

Is it insulting that I said this was, “just another place” for me? Is it bizarre that I didn’t know what to say – after being here for nine months (next week)? To put the question to myself now, away from that interrogative moment, do I have an answer?

It is one of the pieces that lie somewhere in between bits of crumbled matzo on the tatami mat floors in the office (my bedroom in the summer) that will soon be my sleeping room again.

I want to write a lot more and I am stuck. I mean, I’m not stuck, but I am in the Doldrums… Stefane told me in Caleta Tortel, the mystical town in southern Patagonia- a brief hitch from the Carretera Austral between Puerto Yungay and Cochrane- that no wind helps a sailor who has no direction. The wind is stagnant, poised to strike my sails, but I am in the flat right now. Waiting for that wind to come. But, maybe that wind is on hold because I am not pointed in the right direction. Perhaps, when my bow points towards the right direction, that wind will come and onward I will sail.

Until then, I must be patient, even though it seems like far too long.

(It will be fun to read this later, because I just blacked out for an hour while writing this…. PUBLISH!)

[Finally a real journal entry in the public realm.]

Doldrums

the place where there is no wind in the sails... it described a line of latitude, I believe- good ole "history" knowledge escapes me.

Grey skies suck away my life and I swear I woke up with a smile today, but where did it go? why did it leave so quickly.

Spoiled... SPOILED Southern California boy who feels like shit after 3 weeks without the sun.

And now the rainy season has begun. I yearn for those blue skies... I hope to see you soon. Maybe... soon.

words of wisdom, not FROM me

you have no idea what these words have meant/done to me in the past week:

"Enlightenment is a Demolition process."

"If it wasn't hard to keep practicing these life lessons - it would not be called life - it would death - because you would not be aware of life around you!"

"Don't aim for perfect just aim for awareness.."

I share lots of thoughts on this blog, but the ones recently have been really hard. One might call them "deep" or "intense" or "upsetting" or "incredible" or some other adjective. But they have been hard. To share them would be outrageous. I have tried over the Skype. Even hearing the words come out of my mouth are silly. It's just not possible to relate what is happening. Nothing is even happening... and if that is any indicator then perhaps you have an insight. If I am totally un-understandablisticable then I was effective in my communication.

"Sweet Nothing. Ain't got nuthin at all."

Whoa.

poor friend

I have been a poor friend. From intimate multi-year relationships to casual acquaintances, I am a horrible listener. I hear something that another person says, envision it in my own mind and react... then I expect the other person to have the same response, or agree with what it is I am rambling about. I hear a word, then diverge about my own person philosophy or something that has nothing to do with the topic at hand- but I just go with it because that word has set my mind in motion.

conversations do have listening and speaking participants. A phone has a listening and a speaking piece. So it is true that both must go on. But I feel as if I don't listen well enough. I hear what is being said, but am I really listening? (thanks W$) The answer is: surely not.

It came clear to me on the train tonight. After a long day on the soccer field, my friend and I were riding home together (both in a lot of pain from our various injuries... his is perhaps worse) and he mentioned something about health-related stuff. I immediately got defensive and forceful because he may need to see a doctor. I took his story, and embodied it my own. I shared about my previous experiences and demanded that he see a doctor and not worry about the job paperwork that he needs to take care of, in order to go through with this. I got pushy and got fired up because that is what I would do for myself. And then I looked at his eyes and they were shocked.

I stopped and realized that I had just spoken for...., well I don't even know how long. I had been preaching, lecturing and pushing. and I certainly hadn't been listening. I just froze and apologized for being so forward. What else was I to do? He said it was nice to hear what he knows he should do, but he wasn't expecting a lecture.

I had a dirty day on the soccer field- one in which I was fouling and making poor plays- setting up the tying goal (for the other team) and just not feeling very good afterwards. UCLA lost this morning and it wasn't a horrible game, just not a very good one. And I was a horrible listener. And a pushy egotistic talker.

Shame on me. Awful feelings about most of the things that went on in my life today. And my muscles will most certainly hurt tomorrow... to remind me of the pain I probably brought to the world today.

But, the hardest part for me, will be letting go of all the negatude today. Perhaps it is all in my head... in the story that I have created for myself to understand what is going on. Maybe is a make-believe tale of "bad" to equal another lore that I have invented in my life for "good."

I don't know. I have lost track of it all in this ramble. And maybe that is exactly what I needed to do. To put it out there, recognize it for what it is, and wake up tomorrow and live in a way that lets me continue to acknowledge my actions.

Silly quote

Either this was heard among other people talking, something I read or something I said to myself after a long day... I have no idea... but it popped into my head AGAIN this morning, so I felt it just to write it (and, now, after a long-winded and unnecessary prelude) :

"If you can't heal them with hatred, kill 'em with kindness."