Fear

I am most scared of stopping. Of not continuing. The inability to move paralyzes me. I have to ride my bike to work, to the store to go anywhere. If I cant ride my bike, I'll have to walk-- at least far enough to catch a bus... and then walk from there. Cabs everywhere is unreasonable for this town and pricey at that. BUT, it is all still liveable.

The inability to move is a paralyzing feeling (creatively and in actuality, true). That would mean no snowboarding, no basketball, no soccer, no well, anything that I do. No living, in essence.

When I had inflamed knees in Argentina last year, I couldnt go anywhere. I stayed put for two weeks longer than normal at my campground. And then I was forced to leave because I had only $11. In order to get on with it (three days of hiking with no facilities), I had to space out my emergency vicodin and take advil sparingly. Continued the adventure and for another month this injury slowed me down a lot. But I made it through.

So, when I hit the deck on the basketball court last weekend with a bizarre sensation in my knee I just stopped. There was nothing I could do besides wait, evaluate the pain and slowly move myself off the court without exacerbating anything. After some time on the side, I got up and walked over to the sideline. I immediately and carefully dressed and called my evening short, 30 minutes early.

I am beginning to feel better, but its tough because I have to ride my bike everyday, for one thing or another. So total rest (best medicine) is impossible. And the cold is raping its way into my joints. So, its not an easy task. This is not asking you to feel bad or empathy or sympathy. This is my coming to terms with my lifestyle. This is the mandatory, double-edged sword that I have to use. I have to be active and moving and athletic as often as I can. But that lifestyle is conducive to injury. Accidents do happen and intentional things happen too. Can that hold me back? The fear of not being able to move, to live, to be?

It means that I won't do anything because I am afraid that my participation could prevent me from participating in the future, upon injury. That is impossible.

Gotta be in every moment of particpation. I have to be there when I am actually there. And I have to accept the potential danger of my lifestyle. And go from there. Accepting what is, seems to be a great way to move on, from irritations and great things, from life-changing positives to catastrophic depression. Accepting what is. Taking the precautions available and go with what is presented at the time.

When I hit the deck, I saw my future snowboarding, diving, backpacking trips dwindle.... But those are the future and in that present moment, all I could do was laugh at myself for not even saving the ball from going out of bounds. I got injured and didnt make the play. I laughed and reminded myself to get the next one... just a bit more carefully.

If I ever, EVER don't go for it... if I ever, EVER hold back because of unforessen dangers (not like cliffs, silly) then do me a favor and put a bullet in my knee, then in my head. Or, be a nice friend and a swift kick to the ass will do it too!