this post is a shout-out for a guy who will never know I wrote this. I don't think we have spoken since the Harker trip a couple of years back. Chances are he won't ever read this because we don't cross paths nowadays. It is an inside joke between us.
Jared... today I had a day where I gave everything I had. In fact, I gave it away... "Just give it away! Just give 'er away!"
2008-10-30
2008-10-29
Notes on the day:
I carved my first pumpkin in far too long... I hope to bring it to school tomorrow without it getting ruined... i want to show the students a real Jack O'Lantern, instead of drawing diagrams and explaining about it in class.
Poor "white stone" boy. He got hit in the face and his glasses got knocked off in the process. He came into the teachers' room crying as school ended and it was a messy sight. Big mistake... he got screamed at. The kids who hit him got called into the office and yelled at... and I couldn't help but laugh because I work with the teacher who was yelling. I wasn't alone, as the entire corner of the office was smirking and giggling as these three students stood at attention and received their verbal lashing. And when I thought it was over... "white stone" got drilled with the loudest screaming I have heard in months. I laugh also because in my country only the "hitters" get yelled at... in this case, the one who got hit, got yelled at more... and why? Because he egged on the other two and irritated them to the point of hitting him! Just a random cultural nuance that I can't really describe well. But the few teachers sitting in the back of the room had a delightful laugh about silly middle school boys' schennenigans.
I carved my first pumpkin in far too long... I hope to bring it to school tomorrow without it getting ruined... i want to show the students a real Jack O'Lantern, instead of drawing diagrams and explaining about it in class.
Poor "white stone" boy. He got hit in the face and his glasses got knocked off in the process. He came into the teachers' room crying as school ended and it was a messy sight. Big mistake... he got screamed at. The kids who hit him got called into the office and yelled at... and I couldn't help but laugh because I work with the teacher who was yelling. I wasn't alone, as the entire corner of the office was smirking and giggling as these three students stood at attention and received their verbal lashing. And when I thought it was over... "white stone" got drilled with the loudest screaming I have heard in months. I laugh also because in my country only the "hitters" get yelled at... in this case, the one who got hit, got yelled at more... and why? Because he egged on the other two and irritated them to the point of hitting him! Just a random cultural nuance that I can't really describe well. But the few teachers sitting in the back of the room had a delightful laugh about silly middle school boys' schennenigans.
2008-10-28
Same quagmire
I am getting asked, by others and mainly by my self, what I am doing after Japan. There are so many approaches to this that I have backed myself into cowering in the corner in fear.
One approach is like the typical Dave who cuts his nose to spite his face... "Ha, after Japan, well, I'm never leaving- so there!"
One approach is like the typical Dave who wants decisions to make him, instead of making the decisions.... "Maybe I'll hang out until there is a reason to leave..."
One approach is like the typical Dave who wants to do everything, impulsive and on-the-move, forever perplexing those who want to help him... "I'm gonna blow this Popsicle stand next year and check out the world again!"
One approach is like the typical Dave who daydreams and thinks and imagines all of the potential the world has to offer in terms of jobs, opportunities and exotic locations... "Japan is lovely, but paragliding naked off of glaciers in New Zealand sounds amazing!"
Compound these approaches with millions of others that pop up throughout the day and you can laugh at the same idiot who was trying to balance all of this about the same time last year also. Same quagmire.
I have until FEBRUARY to officially make this decision, but I remember how peaceful it was when I finally made the decision last year. As soon as it was done, life became more enjoyable. Until that happened, like now, I felt in a small, awkwardly-shaped void. It seems that this is more psychological than anything else... but it is my current state nonetheless. Usually, I make this hamster wheel turn when I have too much time to think. Lately, however, I haven't had a free second and this makes the instants and flashes about this topic even more intense.
Again, none of this future even matters because it is all likely to change. If I focus on living in the NOW, then I can enjoy it all for what its worth... Easier said than done, my American roots and upbringing still poke at me to plan for the future. A constant struggle... between future and present. Sometimes the past too, but she is hanging out nowadays while the other two engage in battle.
Where has this blog left me? In the same place as before... just with some of it OUT of my head! Isn't that, after all, why we write anyways?
One approach is like the typical Dave who cuts his nose to spite his face... "Ha, after Japan, well, I'm never leaving- so there!"
One approach is like the typical Dave who wants decisions to make him, instead of making the decisions.... "Maybe I'll hang out until there is a reason to leave..."
One approach is like the typical Dave who wants to do everything, impulsive and on-the-move, forever perplexing those who want to help him... "I'm gonna blow this Popsicle stand next year and check out the world again!"
One approach is like the typical Dave who daydreams and thinks and imagines all of the potential the world has to offer in terms of jobs, opportunities and exotic locations... "Japan is lovely, but paragliding naked off of glaciers in New Zealand sounds amazing!"
Compound these approaches with millions of others that pop up throughout the day and you can laugh at the same idiot who was trying to balance all of this about the same time last year also. Same quagmire.
I have until FEBRUARY to officially make this decision, but I remember how peaceful it was when I finally made the decision last year. As soon as it was done, life became more enjoyable. Until that happened, like now, I felt in a small, awkwardly-shaped void. It seems that this is more psychological than anything else... but it is my current state nonetheless. Usually, I make this hamster wheel turn when I have too much time to think. Lately, however, I haven't had a free second and this makes the instants and flashes about this topic even more intense.
Again, none of this future even matters because it is all likely to change. If I focus on living in the NOW, then I can enjoy it all for what its worth... Easier said than done, my American roots and upbringing still poke at me to plan for the future. A constant struggle... between future and present. Sometimes the past too, but she is hanging out nowadays while the other two engage in battle.
Where has this blog left me? In the same place as before... just with some of it OUT of my head! Isn't that, after all, why we write anyways?
2008-10-26
2008-10-24
Sports
The thought that ran through my head while leaving elementary school today (Friday):
"Damn, I had runners one first and second and I fouled out... a pop-out on the first-base side... idiot, Dave." Regarding Kickball- ahh! (to be fair, i did kick a solo home run the "at-bat" prior.)
The thought I had yesterday (Thursday) while leaving junior high:
"No amount of smoking and drinking and playing in the fraternity house could have prepared me to play ping-pong against that girl (first grade = 7th graders.) She was amazing. And the other girl wasn't strong, but I would never know because I couldn't return her serve."
The discussion with the third graders (9th graders) after playing softball with them during PE class on Tuesday:
"David, you know the rules. OK. You are good at second base. You are not good (ドンコン) at hitting." Two routine ground balls that I managed to field properly and correctly... and one missed relay to the plate that they neglected to mention. And 0-fer at the plate... a great outing for me... 0-4, and I only reached first on a fielder's choice to tag out my teammate at third.
My thought regarding basketball on Wednesday night:
"Goods and bads tonight... I botched one game for the team by missing every open shot opportunity, but I had a block that would make Ben Wallace smile."
I still have to take it easy, but back into the active lifestyle...
It's great to be able to play sports again! And my students are amazing athletes. Wow.
"Damn, I had runners one first and second and I fouled out... a pop-out on the first-base side... idiot, Dave." Regarding Kickball- ahh! (to be fair, i did kick a solo home run the "at-bat" prior.)
The thought I had yesterday (Thursday) while leaving junior high:
"No amount of smoking and drinking and playing in the fraternity house could have prepared me to play ping-pong against that girl (first grade = 7th graders.) She was amazing. And the other girl wasn't strong, but I would never know because I couldn't return her serve."
The discussion with the third graders (9th graders) after playing softball with them during PE class on Tuesday:
"David, you know the rules. OK. You are good at second base. You are not good (ドンコン) at hitting." Two routine ground balls that I managed to field properly and correctly... and one missed relay to the plate that they neglected to mention. And 0-fer at the plate... a great outing for me... 0-4, and I only reached first on a fielder's choice to tag out my teammate at third.
My thought regarding basketball on Wednesday night:
"Goods and bads tonight... I botched one game for the team by missing every open shot opportunity, but I had a block that would make Ben Wallace smile."
I still have to take it easy, but back into the active lifestyle...
It's great to be able to play sports again! And my students are amazing athletes. Wow.
2008-10-17
Dangerous goings-on
Close minded Democrats are a lot more dangerous and certainly scarier than close minded Republicans.
After all, isn't part of being "Liberal" being "open minded?"
Liberal: (1) of, relating to, or based on studies designed to provide general knowledge and to develop the general intellectual capacities. (2) Generous, bountiful. (3) not literal. (4) not narrow in opinion or judgement: tolerant.
The New Merriam-Webster Pocket Dictionary. Simon & Schuster, Inc.: New York, NY. 1964.
After all, isn't part of being "Liberal" being "open minded?"
Liberal: (1) of, relating to, or based on studies designed to provide general knowledge and to develop the general intellectual capacities. (2) Generous, bountiful. (3) not literal. (4) not narrow in opinion or judgement: tolerant.
The New Merriam-Webster Pocket Dictionary. Simon & Schuster, Inc.: New York, NY. 1964.
2008-10-12
Lost and found
I broke my own rule. I was on Day 12 of 31 and I just couldn't hold out any longer. I had to go for a hike! so much for no activity...
I paid the price and an hour into the hike, i had a headache set in... and it just was a headache. I continued hiking, at times a bit less comfortable than one would have wished, like life went on. My head has been hurting all day, and so has my neck... but i was damn happy to get out into the mountains again.
Another thought... when we got lost today, I would have handled it differently. I would have trudged through the bush... until we got to the road and then figured it out from there. If I were leading, it would have been a complete disaster. Fortunately, it wasn't me in front! We steamrolled 20 minutes downhill only to hike back the same trail 40 min back uphill... in the sun at times... hiking through willows as tall as I am! we met two men who had followed our path and we told them of the error. we all shared a laugh and hiked back to the original ridge. And then we found the real trail... 90 degrees to the northwest! Ahh....
It got me thinking; i have been lost in the woods a bunch. Not lost... but not exactly where I would have imagined myself on the map. From age 18.... through now... i can count easily a half-dozen times... ahh. Why did I bring this up? When one gets "lost" there are many options. (Incidentally, if one "gets" "lost," then he actually has something to work with... he has gotten something... even if it is "lost" per se.) I don't have the patience to write all of this out now, but the most important thing to do is something that has behooved me for years. I am unable to do it, but i found the importance of it today.
STOP. Lose the ego. Make a decision to backtrack and get to the safe place. Don't dig yourself out of a hole. Just stop digging. Look at the hole. Leave the hole alone. Get out of it. And get back to the upper ground. Then dig (or hike) somewhere else. No regrets, no ego. Just leave it. and let it go... and get on with it.
What a great day outdoors. I will hate myself tomorrow as i stumble around in pain... and another day of head and neck pain.... but totally worth it. Now, I have to let it go. And get some pictures up too!
I paid the price and an hour into the hike, i had a headache set in... and it just was a headache. I continued hiking, at times a bit less comfortable than one would have wished, like life went on. My head has been hurting all day, and so has my neck... but i was damn happy to get out into the mountains again.
Another thought... when we got lost today, I would have handled it differently. I would have trudged through the bush... until we got to the road and then figured it out from there. If I were leading, it would have been a complete disaster. Fortunately, it wasn't me in front! We steamrolled 20 minutes downhill only to hike back the same trail 40 min back uphill... in the sun at times... hiking through willows as tall as I am! we met two men who had followed our path and we told them of the error. we all shared a laugh and hiked back to the original ridge. And then we found the real trail... 90 degrees to the northwest! Ahh....
It got me thinking; i have been lost in the woods a bunch. Not lost... but not exactly where I would have imagined myself on the map. From age 18.... through now... i can count easily a half-dozen times... ahh. Why did I bring this up? When one gets "lost" there are many options. (Incidentally, if one "gets" "lost," then he actually has something to work with... he has gotten something... even if it is "lost" per se.) I don't have the patience to write all of this out now, but the most important thing to do is something that has behooved me for years. I am unable to do it, but i found the importance of it today.
STOP. Lose the ego. Make a decision to backtrack and get to the safe place. Don't dig yourself out of a hole. Just stop digging. Look at the hole. Leave the hole alone. Get out of it. And get back to the upper ground. Then dig (or hike) somewhere else. No regrets, no ego. Just leave it. and let it go... and get on with it.
What a great day outdoors. I will hate myself tomorrow as i stumble around in pain... and another day of head and neck pain.... but totally worth it. Now, I have to let it go. And get some pictures up too!
2008-10-07
Where I am
My head still aches. I was diagnosed with Cluster Headaches about four years ago. I didn't take it too seriously even though my head was in severe pain at the time. Even when another episode struck about a year later, it ruined a good spring break, but that was it. Upon the third one, I reckoned that I was living like an idiot so I probably had it coming. This time, it was rather unprovoked and I am serious about it. Fourth time is a charm, right?
It's a pretty severe condition; not life-threatening, but certainly life-interrupting. It can destroy an entire day for me. Lately, I have been rather lucky with how my schedule seems to fit in time for these intense headaches to exist in the breaks. I even taught 1.5 lessons the other day on the flanks of my temple being crushed by some mad, uncontrollable pressure. Such is life. It certainly isn't pleasant to live "in fear" of one occurring, but I sort of am living in this state.
As miserable as this actually is, I ask for no sympathy. I definitely appreciate it and it makes me feel better and my neighbors and friends have been rather nice checking up on me all the time. Unfortunately, this is one of the cards that my life deck dealt for me and it is something I will have to learn to cope with. It isn't an easy disease to live with, but, as there is no cure, accepting that I will have weeks filled with intense, eye-crushing pressure migraine-esque headaches is the only thing I can do. I suspect it will take time, and a lot of patience, and some suffering too. But this, again, is my life.
I can't drink coffee... I can't drink booze. I can't be around smoke and I have to take a break from playing sports. I don't really want to travel because I need to lie down and sleep it off sometimes... can't really do that while trying to hitchhike around Kyushu. I can't do a lot of things that have become part of my life... I have to alter everything, especially while this episode is occurring, and to prevent future episodes.
*Funny note about this condition... there is no treatment but there are a couple of preventative measures... to limit the pain and occurrences: quoting Wikipedia, "There is substantial anecdotal evidence that serotonergic psychedelics such as psilocybin (mushrooms) and LSD and LSA d-Lysergic acid amide (Rivea corymbosa seeds) abort cluster periods and extend remission periods." Further, "Some people report that sexual intercourse and specifically orgasm may terminate an attack possibly by acutely modulating hypothalamic function."
I can't do a lot of things, but I guess the best cure is to eat a lot of mushrooms, drop some LSD and fuck my brains out. Imagine if I could get my hands on these drugs without losing my job and getting deported!
What else can't I do? I can't be bothered by really meaningless life-drama. If things aren't a matter of life and death I can't get upset about it. I have to let it go when I get sideswiped by cars, I have to accept the now for what it presents. I can't rush around and I can't yell loudly. How does this affect me currently? I leave early to get where I am going, so I have plenty of time- no stress that I might be late for anything. I can't yell to get my students' attention, so I have to speak slowly and softly... hushing them up because otherwise they really can't hear me. Leads to more effective teaching- at least for the past two days, this has been the case. Interesting, ne?
I can work more on my garden because it is close to the apartment! I can walk around the neighborhood and enjoy the silence it has to offer on the weekends! I can cook good food and go to nearby restaurants also. I can read the books on my shelf and light candles in the apartment also. Simplifying a lot, but i have no choice. Though I am "losing" out on some of my favorite pastimes, I am "gaining" some lost ones. Again, I quote my inspiration, Mr. Mitsuo Aida (相田みつを), "Gain or loss/ the measurement of humans/ Truth or falsehood/ The measurement of Buddha"
I figure this episode will end sometime. If it does, will I remember the lessons of simplification and living in a more stress-free environment? If it doesn't, will I be able to learn to live with the possibility of never being able to fall back on the fun I have had for so long? I can do my best to live healthy, but the headaches are a beast of their own... so, I have to do the best I can and let the situation sort itself out. At least, that is the peace that I have come to at this point.
Peace be with you in this new Jewish year... and may we all live and rejoice in good health.
It's a pretty severe condition; not life-threatening, but certainly life-interrupting. It can destroy an entire day for me. Lately, I have been rather lucky with how my schedule seems to fit in time for these intense headaches to exist in the breaks. I even taught 1.5 lessons the other day on the flanks of my temple being crushed by some mad, uncontrollable pressure. Such is life. It certainly isn't pleasant to live "in fear" of one occurring, but I sort of am living in this state.
As miserable as this actually is, I ask for no sympathy. I definitely appreciate it and it makes me feel better and my neighbors and friends have been rather nice checking up on me all the time. Unfortunately, this is one of the cards that my life deck dealt for me and it is something I will have to learn to cope with. It isn't an easy disease to live with, but, as there is no cure, accepting that I will have weeks filled with intense, eye-crushing pressure migraine-esque headaches is the only thing I can do. I suspect it will take time, and a lot of patience, and some suffering too. But this, again, is my life.
I can't drink coffee... I can't drink booze. I can't be around smoke and I have to take a break from playing sports. I don't really want to travel because I need to lie down and sleep it off sometimes... can't really do that while trying to hitchhike around Kyushu. I can't do a lot of things that have become part of my life... I have to alter everything, especially while this episode is occurring, and to prevent future episodes.
*Funny note about this condition... there is no treatment but there are a couple of preventative measures... to limit the pain and occurrences: quoting Wikipedia, "There is substantial anecdotal evidence that serotonergic psychedelics such as psilocybin (mushrooms) and LSD and LSA d-Lysergic acid amide (Rivea corymbosa seeds) abort cluster periods and extend remission periods." Further, "Some people report that sexual intercourse and specifically orgasm may terminate an attack possibly by acutely modulating hypothalamic function."
I can't do a lot of things, but I guess the best cure is to eat a lot of mushrooms, drop some LSD and fuck my brains out. Imagine if I could get my hands on these drugs without losing my job and getting deported!
What else can't I do? I can't be bothered by really meaningless life-drama. If things aren't a matter of life and death I can't get upset about it. I have to let it go when I get sideswiped by cars, I have to accept the now for what it presents. I can't rush around and I can't yell loudly. How does this affect me currently? I leave early to get where I am going, so I have plenty of time- no stress that I might be late for anything. I can't yell to get my students' attention, so I have to speak slowly and softly... hushing them up because otherwise they really can't hear me. Leads to more effective teaching- at least for the past two days, this has been the case. Interesting, ne?
I can work more on my garden because it is close to the apartment! I can walk around the neighborhood and enjoy the silence it has to offer on the weekends! I can cook good food and go to nearby restaurants also. I can read the books on my shelf and light candles in the apartment also. Simplifying a lot, but i have no choice. Though I am "losing" out on some of my favorite pastimes, I am "gaining" some lost ones. Again, I quote my inspiration, Mr. Mitsuo Aida (相田みつを), "Gain or loss/ the measurement of humans/ Truth or falsehood/ The measurement of Buddha"
I figure this episode will end sometime. If it does, will I remember the lessons of simplification and living in a more stress-free environment? If it doesn't, will I be able to learn to live with the possibility of never being able to fall back on the fun I have had for so long? I can do my best to live healthy, but the headaches are a beast of their own... so, I have to do the best I can and let the situation sort itself out. At least, that is the peace that I have come to at this point.
Peace be with you in this new Jewish year... and may we all live and rejoice in good health.
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