Killed it today. Finished the book, finished the paper, ran the seminar (with a great team) and felt good after a solid fist pump in the late afternoon sun as I walked home. Cleaned up my apartment for the most part, organized life for the next week, and took care of business for my personal life. Did not go to the gym, but got a couple of walking minutes in today. And look forward to a rest tomorrow.
Was invited for dinner with Nick and Teresa. Played a board game called something "of Catan." It was fun indeed, in part, because I won. But it was nice to get together with some good folks... really. I missed the social aspect of my week. And probably in my life.
It is hard to be so honest in a public forum, but this is the way this blog is designed. I am in a difficult place because personally I am succeeding. I am following my passion, I am in a good location and am safe and secure. But I have a hard time in the social world.
From being away in my own country and abroad, I feel like I am where I left off after university. Basically, after seven years of putzing around and adventuring, I feel like I am 23 still. Problem is that I am not. I am nearly 30. The numbers don't matter so much, but the experience and differences in my head do. Combine this with being intellectually stimulated currently about environmental and large-scale issues and being well-traveled and I begin to think and talk like I am older than my age.
The massive gap in my developments (or my perceived feelings about it) renders me slightly helpless. I still can't fit into the culture that surrounds me. It seems awkward and I can't even fake wanting to be a part of it or understanding it. Further, I pigeonhole myself and haven't put myself out there to look for groups that share similar hobbies.
I am turning into the "individualistic" person that I read about this week without really wanting to. I appreciate the collective culture especially when it has similar intentions to those I hold, but I am struggling to find a fit into a community in which I feel comfortable. I know that they are out there, but something inside me is holding me back which holds me back even more... Awkward, I know. And I entrench myself into the good feelings that I evoke from following my passions... and that relegates me even further from groups of people.
Maybe the book just got to me; but maybe it brought to light that I am successful in one arena in my life and abysmal in another. (Not to be hard on myself; I chose that word because it is cool!) Whereas I used to be a social butterfly, I find myself now flying upward towards truth and meaning and less side-to-side meeting others. The more I climb, the fewer there are to the side with whom to relate. And I am doing it myself. I used to be able to break the ice, but lost that ability and am curious as to where it went or how to re-learn it.
I have gotten really shy. I have come to value listening and am OK with silence... I guess this isn't appropriate in a social setting, but that is where I am at. I don't want to belabor the point. Getting this out is good. Putting it in public makes me more forward (or perhaps more shy because it is in written words and not vocalized...?)
When I go out in public I rush to get home because I feel weird in those spaces. Never used to be like that. I guess I liked cafes in Europe, so I'd spend time in them. I enjoyed riding my bike around Japan, so I would frequent restaurants and have routines. But I am really struggling to find a groove in the country that I call home.
The same debate flares up... it is about staying put or moving around. I think I am a nomad and have been trying to avoid those traits. But I also like the easy sedentary lifestyle of staying in one place. It just doesn't feel right. I get the urge to go and then the urge to settle down. This is hard to balance. Maybe I need to stop typing and simply get some sleep...
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