poor friend

I have been a poor friend. From intimate multi-year relationships to casual acquaintances, I am a horrible listener. I hear something that another person says, envision it in my own mind and react... then I expect the other person to have the same response, or agree with what it is I am rambling about. I hear a word, then diverge about my own person philosophy or something that has nothing to do with the topic at hand- but I just go with it because that word has set my mind in motion.

conversations do have listening and speaking participants. A phone has a listening and a speaking piece. So it is true that both must go on. But I feel as if I don't listen well enough. I hear what is being said, but am I really listening? (thanks W$) The answer is: surely not.

It came clear to me on the train tonight. After a long day on the soccer field, my friend and I were riding home together (both in a lot of pain from our various injuries... his is perhaps worse) and he mentioned something about health-related stuff. I immediately got defensive and forceful because he may need to see a doctor. I took his story, and embodied it my own. I shared about my previous experiences and demanded that he see a doctor and not worry about the job paperwork that he needs to take care of, in order to go through with this. I got pushy and got fired up because that is what I would do for myself. And then I looked at his eyes and they were shocked.

I stopped and realized that I had just spoken for...., well I don't even know how long. I had been preaching, lecturing and pushing. and I certainly hadn't been listening. I just froze and apologized for being so forward. What else was I to do? He said it was nice to hear what he knows he should do, but he wasn't expecting a lecture.

I had a dirty day on the soccer field- one in which I was fouling and making poor plays- setting up the tying goal (for the other team) and just not feeling very good afterwards. UCLA lost this morning and it wasn't a horrible game, just not a very good one. And I was a horrible listener. And a pushy egotistic talker.

Shame on me. Awful feelings about most of the things that went on in my life today. And my muscles will most certainly hurt tomorrow... to remind me of the pain I probably brought to the world today.

But, the hardest part for me, will be letting go of all the negatude today. Perhaps it is all in my head... in the story that I have created for myself to understand what is going on. Maybe is a make-believe tale of "bad" to equal another lore that I have invented in my life for "good."

I don't know. I have lost track of it all in this ramble. And maybe that is exactly what I needed to do. To put it out there, recognize it for what it is, and wake up tomorrow and live in a way that lets me continue to acknowledge my actions.