Where I am

My head still aches. I was diagnosed with Cluster Headaches about four years ago. I didn't take it too seriously even though my head was in severe pain at the time. Even when another episode struck about a year later, it ruined a good spring break, but that was it. Upon the third one, I reckoned that I was living like an idiot so I probably had it coming. This time, it was rather unprovoked and I am serious about it. Fourth time is a charm, right?

It's a pretty severe condition; not life-threatening, but certainly life-interrupting. It can destroy an entire day for me. Lately, I have been rather lucky with how my schedule seems to fit in time for these intense headaches to exist in the breaks. I even taught 1.5 lessons the other day on the flanks of my temple being crushed by some mad, uncontrollable pressure. Such is life. It certainly isn't pleasant to live "in fear" of one occurring, but I sort of am living in this state.

As miserable as this actually is, I ask for no sympathy. I definitely appreciate it and it makes me feel better and my neighbors and friends have been rather nice checking up on me all the time. Unfortunately, this is one of the cards that my life deck dealt for me and it is something I will have to learn to cope with. It isn't an easy disease to live with, but, as there is no cure, accepting that I will have weeks filled with intense, eye-crushing pressure migraine-esque headaches is the only thing I can do. I suspect it will take time, and a lot of patience, and some suffering too. But this, again, is my life.

I can't drink coffee... I can't drink booze. I can't be around smoke and I have to take a break from playing sports. I don't really want to travel because I need to lie down and sleep it off sometimes... can't really do that while trying to hitchhike around Kyushu. I can't do a lot of things that have become part of my life... I have to alter everything, especially while this episode is occurring, and to prevent future episodes.

*Funny note about this condition... there is no treatment but there are a couple of preventative measures... to limit the pain and occurrences: quoting Wikipedia, "There is substantial anecdotal evidence that serotonergic psychedelics such as psilocybin (mushrooms) and LSD and LSA d-Lysergic acid amide (Rivea corymbosa seeds) abort cluster periods and extend remission periods." Further, "Some people report that sexual intercourse and specifically orgasm may terminate an attack possibly by acutely modulating hypothalamic function."

I can't do a lot of things, but I guess the best cure is to eat a lot of mushrooms, drop some LSD and fuck my brains out. Imagine if I could get my hands on these drugs without losing my job and getting deported!

What else can't I do? I can't be bothered by really meaningless life-drama. If things aren't a matter of life and death I can't get upset about it. I have to let it go when I get sideswiped by cars, I have to accept the now for what it presents. I can't rush around and I can't yell loudly. How does this affect me currently? I leave early to get where I am going, so I have plenty of time- no stress that I might be late for anything. I can't yell to get my students' attention, so I have to speak slowly and softly... hushing them up because otherwise they really can't hear me. Leads to more effective teaching- at least for the past two days, this has been the case. Interesting, ne?

I can work more on my garden because it is close to the apartment! I can walk around the neighborhood and enjoy the silence it has to offer on the weekends! I can cook good food and go to nearby restaurants also. I can read the books on my shelf and light candles in the apartment also. Simplifying a lot, but i have no choice. Though I am "losing" out on some of my favorite pastimes, I am "gaining" some lost ones. Again, I quote my inspiration, Mr. Mitsuo Aida (相田みつを), "Gain or loss/ the measurement of humans/ Truth or falsehood/ The measurement of Buddha"

I figure this episode will end sometime. If it does, will I remember the lessons of simplification and living in a more stress-free environment? If it doesn't, will I be able to learn to live with the possibility of never being able to fall back on the fun I have had for so long? I can do my best to live healthy, but the headaches are a beast of their own... so, I have to do the best I can and let the situation sort itself out. At least, that is the peace that I have come to at this point.

Peace be with you in this new Jewish year... and may we all live and rejoice in good health.