good day

... i didn't have to use my AK....

Today was the first day of mountain school and I am happy with how it went. Great kids, patience, lots of teachable moments, lots of energy directed in the right way and sunny, wonderful weather. A brisk, frosty morning that inspired me to walk to the learning center. observing a TON of birds and then again with other instructors as we waited for the students to arrive. I feel pretty good right now.

I am on the latter half of the process with the raccoon and await some oil to finish the pelt. the otter still puzzles me... how on earth am i going to finish fleshing it, how long will it take and it the skin going bad? I swear there was something funky about it... and I'd feel bad if I waste the pelt. I just don't know if I should keep going. I suppose when the raccoon is done, I will be able to focus on the otter once and for all... and then give it my all until I finish or determine that it is FUBAR. I salted it again today after soaking it a couple of times... I wonder if doing this is really bad... I have a feeling it is, but I'll just have to wait until I have the time to devote to doing it right.

I feel pretty good right now. still recovering from my march-seasonal upsetness... but being outside a lot seems to be a good method of helping me cope. And the students are gems this week too...

And I watched the Lakers last night.... first time in a very long time... and to win against the Suns in Triple OT... that wasn't what I expected. Shoulda ended the game earlier, but it was fun to watch.

My thoughts go out to those who are suffering in Japan... may you soon be comforted.

downs and ups

I have been having ups and downs-- mostly downs... The headaches, the time change, the madness in Japan. All of this is affecting me. I haven't been exercising and I have been feeling lethargic. Feeling nauseous, no appetite. Insomnia and sleep troubles.

All of this is a recipe for depression and disaster. It is amazing how fast it all came cycling at me. And to get myself out of this is hard. But the most important part is to recognize it. Once it is seen, it can be dealt with... otherwise it is slow madness that eats away at me and no one knows.

Why do I write such private matters on a public forum? I heard a quote to explain it:

"Those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind."

This blog is a way for my to be honest with myself and the world. I don't have to put it in people's faces... they choose to come to this site or come across it on their own behalf.

I have struggled a lot the past week. I was in a shell and unable or unwilling to come out of it. I plan to find a doctor or counselor with whom I can talk, as that is one more way that I can help myself. In the meantime, I will force myself to work on the things I have been putting off- both the obligations I'd rather not do and the projects that mean something to me.

If I have wasted my time during the day, then I won't sleep so well. So I had better start working and putting my all into my work, and my relationships with other people. Dedication and commitment to others and to my self... the sleep may come after that and the cycle will slowly go on the up.

And, I gotta remember not to take myself too seriously.... and to remember to laugh too.

I fucking hate February~ March. I turn into Davey Downer. But to be fair, I didn't snowboard this winter very much, nor did I take a vacation to a warm or exotic place. This is the first time in eleven years that I didn't go on such a vacation. Note to self... go on vacation properly next winter! And get a job that will let you take a week or six off to play during the winter!

Regardless of my ramblings, I have almost made it... and that is something I can hinge my motivation on. Spring equinox is soon and the moon's pull will slowly diminish in its strength as it backs away from Earth.... and that will help me, I'm sure.

Sweet. Back to work... and one day I hope this raccoon (and the otter- which may be lost...) will be fleshed completely.

-DS-

WILD Dreams and Happy Spring- but don't read all of this!

The American Robin has made an appearance at my house and the learning center. As far as I am concerned, spring is here. I have shaved off my beard and am keeping the mustache for March. (only two days so far, but maybe it will come off today!) I wore a Hawaiian shirt today to emphasize the Magnum PI inclination I have.

The moon is new. I have been speaking with and listening to many of my colleagues. Emotions have been running high in all of our heads for different reasons. All of us have challenges.

My cluster headaches came back two weeks ago and they have knocked me out for a while. I had one yesterday but some medication helped me through it. Mom brought that up on her visit last weekend.

Mom came up last weekend and we enjoyed three days together in the Cascades. Lots of talking, eating, tea-ing, and some hiking and snowshoeing to boot. It was nice to have her stay with me and to introduce her to my life (and all of the people) up here.

I haven't worked out in three weeks and feel weak. I have no appetite and wake up nauseous often.

The workload is daunting. I have a ton of things to do in a particular order and no motivation to do them. The headaches, food consumption, emotional attachment and jealousy, lack of physical...

All leads in a downward cycle to down. Down and down it goes. Down and down I go.

Reminds me of a dream from last night. I just finished a book which took me four years to read. Jung's Man and his Symbols. It is a hard read- a psychoanalysis book of sorts. Though lots of it went through my eyes at late night hours and was promptly forgotten, some it stuck with me. And those vivid guides help me consider the events from last night.

I was nervous writing down anything. It seems weird and I thought I could sleep off any dreams. Wrong. I refused to acknowledge the unconscious and it came back with lucid visuals.

Please stop reading. But I can't stop writing.






The dream I have involves a group of us hanging out and having a good time. I was jealous of a good-looking guy who was with a woman I wanted to be with but I was making the most of the event. Eventually we wanted to slide down a steep muddy hill in the rain. This guy went for it first and we all cheered him on. He picked up a lot of speed, but didn't stop as expected. He went under a picnic table and slid underneath it before stopping on the other side of a small burm. He stood up with his hands held high and yelled. Then, he looked down as I realized that his neck was marked with three horizontal crimson stripes. He looked down in horror and pulled out some cables out of his neck. I had noticed those thin wire supports under the picnic table and feared for the worse. Then, he collapsed.

I yelled at some friends to call for help, it was instinctual. We got around him, ready to help medically. I started to get flustered because everyone was helping and we weren't safeguarding his needs. I looked into the face of a friend who was seemingly out of place and then into the face of the dying man. I knew then that my efforts were in vain because the outcome was sealed. The dream faded off with folks determining how to start CPR and the clearness to me that it was best to step away.

I haven't ever been a witness to a death. So, to see one in my dream was unforgetable. I thought about my role as the observer and helper. I tried to look at the dream from a me-centered perspective. But, after reading that book and writing this out, I have another viewpoint. It coincides perfectly with the newness of this time and space in my life. I tried to help the man and relieve his pain. But it was his time to die. It is time for "me" to die. For my ego to let go of me. That was not me helping another man; it was my watching my ego die.

I have been caught up in a difficult mental capacity. It is the same one that I have had for years, but upon arriving back to the US I jumped right into things. I adjusted to living here functionally, as I have done with other countries. Then I built up an ego based on a defensive stance, to hold onto the history and past that I have understood, to keep me grounded. I have held onto an ego that helped me stay rooted.

But that same ego has kept me and from moving on. And, with the fresh outlook on life that all of these signs are forcing me to recognize, I can't help but go with the flow of it all. My ego has been struggling to stay in the limelight and I have been afraid of going on without it. I have become way too serious for my own good. And I watched it die.

I don't mean to say that I don't have an ego. It is still there and will always be there. In fact, my life would be empty without it. But the extent to which I have been holding it in place will be changing. I can't allow my inner workings to wind themselves up as they had for months. I have to let it all flow. That is the second mention of it... flow like Stetattle Creek behind my house, flow like the mighty Skagit... water moves onward and fighting the current only creates rapids on one's own being.

I have to go watch some presentations of the students who will graduate next week. But I wanted to get this out of my head. You should have stopped reading a long time ago. But I can't stop writing. And that is another story... throwing out the notes of the past and stepping into the present. I may be burning years of notes in my fireplace as a way to get to the essence of it all again. Cathartic indeed... not closure but the important debrief process in life that I must do.

Cheers

wow, it has been a long time

I was thinking that I had posted recently, but that assumption is clearly false.

Anyhow, today I will hopefully finish the otter pelt. it is thawed and ready to get scraped... and I have the materials to clean and preserve the hide too. wish me luck!

Recent things, three-day naturalist retreat with the cohort- one day of snow science, snowshoe testing and avalanche training. Another day of birding on the Skagit flats... which was awesome! The highlight involves a flock of Snow Geese (Anser caerulescens) moving and flying directly overhead... it was like a swarm of birds.

I have never posted a video before, so we'll see how this whole thing goes.

What else has been going on? My mind has been in shambles at times as I try to cope with living in a small community, lots of schoolwork and no direct competition.

The small community is fine, but I have a hard time finding an outlet... as we are all in this together. some folks have ways to release and "escape" from time to time, but I have felt trapped at times. Yeah, I signed up for this and I will get through it too... but it is hard! Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

About the schoolwork... I just have to wrap my head around doing it. Lots of planned social engagements, institute events, meetings and new stuff coming up all the time. Thus the work sits and then gets even harder to do with less time to do it. The best bet is for me to remember that if I am idle, then I probably have something I should be doing!

No direct competition... I suppose sometimes we grad students compete against each other for resources or for face time with institute people... sometimes in class or during projects. And of course folks want their projects better than the next person's/group's... but mostly the work is done to make people feel proud of themselves. There is no real competition... and that is pretty awesome! Especially because we are learning about collaboration- which is often more productive... the issue for me is that I am a competitor.

I don't want to compete with colleagues about resources, jobs, etc. In fact, we are all planning to go different ways after this, so there is no real competition. But what I yearn for is a competition.... like a basketball game, like a soccer match.... some sort of dance of bodies... some sort of physical adjustment and athletic jostling for position or fighting to get the ball. I don't know if it is as simple as physical contact with others... I think it is more of an athletic characteristic waiting for an opportunity to perform.

I have been working out a couple of days a week. I haven't been as consistent as I'd like, but i do my best. And with my limited exercises, time, equipment, and routine, I have managed to see a difference in my body. It has taken nearly three months to see any difference, but now that I can notice muscle definition and overall body health, I am encouraged to keep at it. The hardest part about exercise and stretching is that one never knows if it is working properly... it takes a lot of time to actually see results. At least for me!

that's all for now. so much work to do!