Related to me by a friend

I happened upon a friend on a train and we shared a couple of laughs. Then, he informed me of his urgent need to use the toilet, which he had forgone in efforts to catch the very train we were on. I suggested he go to the 6th floor (why not?) of a department store adjacent to the train station where we would be exiting. The following is the text message that I received 8 minutes after we parted ways at the station.

"I get to Solaria......there is no 6th floor. i go to the bathroom on the 3rd. full. go to the 4th... empty! its a squatter. fuck! go to the 5th. empty! western style! a fist pump is done. sit. instant bomb! yes.... no tp... ahh fuck! frantically search. find a backup roll lodged up the dispenser. finally! longest 5 min of my life."

I assume it took 3 minutes to write this... and thus, 5 + 3 = 8 minutes.

And now that it's saved onto my blog, I can erase this funny message from my phone!

O

I blacked out two years ago... and I finally came to after a long dream of amazing-ness (seemingly lasting for one year) and then a nightmare (seemingly lasting for a year also). So many cliche JETs have said the same thing I am about to write. I will definitely laugh at myself and allow Wendy and whoever else chooses, to call me on my own pride and ego... because I said I would never say it and mean it. I even made fun of a friend of mine who has this phrase on his blog... I'll never know if Allison meant it when she cut it out and put it on my door before she left last year.

After everything that I dreamed happened over the past two years, I awake in an office, with only one week left in my current "life."

I don't know what these words actually mean, but they seem to encapsulate my feelings right now:

Everything has come full circle.

Day 6 in Solitary Confinement

post #201...

"There must be some kind of way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
There's too much confusion
I cant get no relief"

But, "The first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing shit they throw on you, and when they put you in that cell... and those bars slam home... that's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it."

Do I feel rehabilitated?
"Rehabilitated? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit."

And, after only six days, my prison feels like home.
"These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized."

But
"I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope."

Day 5 in Solitary Confinement

Trying times call for trying measures. When the human being is placed under stress it acts in ways that preserve its health... and it is also at these times that it is at its most vulnerable.

Guantanamo torture, Bourne Ultimatim-esque brainwashing, solitary confinement, 1984-like labotomy.

When the prisoner is entirely reprogrammed and changed.

I have been here for the longest five days ever and I am at ends with myself. So much time to pace and think and circle and talk to myself and think about it and pack and think and circle and think.

I was in the cell with another prisoner today though. We shared the same space for half of the day- the guards turned a blind eye as we babbled on and on for hours. With a small bribe, we managed to acquire some pretty good burgers also! My mind was twisted amidst discussions with this other prisoner. I tried to keep him on his toes and at the end of our time I felt secure in my insecurity. Maybe the Gestapo planted him and arranged this "lucky" meeting so that they could use him as a vector for their message. I don't need to analyze it: in short, I blacked out and got a burger out of the whole thing, so that was pretty productive.

I managed to be completely honest with myself... and I let some of the other prisoners in on the honesty. It was not easy to do, but the past is done. I can only move forward with the future- one day at a time- being honest and open. I had been hiding in my cell for far too long and hiding from my smile too. Unacceptable. So that is in the process of changing. It may not be a pleasant transition from here on out, but at least it will be free.

And speaking of free.... One more day to go...

Day 4 in Solitary Confinement

Had a slow morning... on three hours sleep. The cage is getting more comfortable so I spent the late hours of the night making it look like I want. Whether or not the things moved around I don;t know, but my mind was going in circles trying to see the cell exactly how it was supposed to be. I was furious with another prisoner and that got me motivated too. The jail's priest gave me a couple minutes to vent my mind and I am not even a Catholic. He helped me see that I can't live in jail if I can't keep a focus on my life. (But the next step, I thought about afterwards) I can't win games with the guards if I am playing their game by their rules. So, I should focus on the games that I enjoy playing... and not trying to be the best at something I don't even like. It's like competitively playing one-on-one basketball with Kobe... I won't win. So, it's better to watch him play at his level; and to play on Wednesday nights with my basketball club.

Due to the heat, there was prisoner Popsicle and pool period in the afternoon. And we did exactly that! Of course, I was separated from the others, but it was so nice to sit back in that small, cool pool... that small plastic ring into which I submerged myself. And my knees got some sun also. I had a 20 minute argument/ negotiation/ discussion/ reconciliation with one of the Japanese guards. She didn't like where I parked my bike and I gave her a piece of mind about the placement of the guard vehicles also. We figured it out, but it was an intense showdown of East and West... almost like Bloods and Crips.

On so little sleep I am surprised to have made it this far. Maybe I am beginning to lose it. No, I must have it together... I mean I am still writing about being here... Rumor has it that there are only two more days left on my sentence, which, is, if you will recall, being in the wrong place at the wrong time and subjected to the last worldwide pandemic with a squeamishly high risk of coughing and premature pink-tail-sprouting-syndrome. It's an interesting life, the pariah life...

Boo.

Day 3 in Solitary Confinement

Woke up and took care of business- washed my utensils and tidied up the living quarters. Still haven't showered, maybe they will allow me to do that soon. Perhaps I can bribe the guard tomorrow with some of the American candy that one of my visitors smuggled in. There was no file in the croquettes, but I was happy to have fried goodness in my belly. I managed to pass some notes to other prisoners, as I found a pen wedged into the futon on which I slept. I wrote on some cloth and sent it out into the yard as they waited. Fortunately, the others have the ability to get out of their cells everyday for a little bit. I will get some responses from them I reckon.

I am allowed to leave the cell and go outside it seems. But I am not allowed to make contact too closely with others. I tried to hand off some compost today and I got zapped by a taizer. So, touching is out of the question... but putting down packages and picking them up seems to be fine so long as others are no where near. I am sure that the guards search the packages for paraphernalia but so far I am happy with the juices, foods and goodies I've been gifted.

My quarters are getting arranged. It is hard to organize years worth of prisoners' belongings, but slowly I am managing to separate the vital from the irrelevant. More work over the next day. I heard of a prisoner trip to the beach, but I don't think I have "done" enough time to be allowed out of the general vicinity. The humidity is still killing me, but I stay cool with the random bits of colored sugar ice sticks that are thrown to me. While I was on my alone yard time, the head guard left some ice cream for me... what a treat! I got out for a couple of well-needed hours and I was allowed to cycle around the vicinity (under close watch). The ice cream wasn't melted when I finally got it so that was fortunate.

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Away from the creative for a second. I have two very direct things to say.

I love my mother. She is so incredible that my words are futile in their attempt to say how wonderful she is.

When one forgets about his true core, it is vital to have a way to be able to see it again. For, it is this true core that is my essence, my being, and it is the "pointer" to the way of my life.

Day 2 in Solitary Confinement

Woke up in time for the guard check. Managed to put some rags in front of the window to try to keep out the early morning light and fell back asleep. Woke up very hot, they must have turned off the air- damn humid too. I pleaded for some air and at about 11 I arose from mid-morning slumber without too much sweat seeping from my pores. I decided to make the best of a bad situation and sat in meditation. I don't know why I did it, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The guard called with an update and reminded me to wash my hands... my cell has its own facilities, but rather primitive ones. I helped myself to some leftover food on my tray and proceeded to communicate with the other prisoners. Some of this was through simple messages... tapping away... almost like a text messaging. I spent some time looking out the window after that. I was so focused on being outside it almost seemed that I was flying around outside- like on a bicycle around the neighborhood with the breeze rushing through my hair...

The guard must have felt sorry for me because when I came to, there was a bag of Mos Burger waiting in the front of my cell. Was that all a dream that I was outside of my cell? I couldn't take the time to think about it because my hunger took over and I devoured the two tiny fried chicken burgers.

In my dreaming I focused on a seemingly-real guards' conversation... it was about moving cells. I thought they were talking about me, so I started to put together my few belongings. I made piles of necessary and unnecessary things. When the time comes to move, if indeed this dream-conversation holds true, I will be in haste to leave and I have to know where the most important items are. So, tomorrow, barring any abrupt beatings or interrogations, I will get the piles more organized with the exit strategy clear in mind.

I communicated with a couple of more prisoners... i wonder if the guards know that we are managing to chat. Despite the confinement, it seems pretty lax. I won't say a word, because then they'll come in with the chains again... and that was altogether unnecessary. I said I would be a good boy, after all.

Day 1 in Solitary Confinement

I woke up late and spoke to the Gestapo in the morning. They said to stay put and they'd tell me more later. So, I took the opportunity to understand my cell. You know, look around, see if there were any marks of those who had been here before me. Learn the corners and feel the walls. They gave me some windows, so I managed to look outside from time to time, but a rain storm came and forced me to close all of the windows because water was pouring in. It soaked my bedding, so I reckon I'll have to sleep on the floor. Jail is not so bad, but I have to get used to the forced loneliness.

I got some visitors and we spoke though a computerized machine. I saw some friendly faces and heard a couple of familiar voices, but it is not the same as the human contact that I am so used to. I was even given Internet access (because I am a special guest?) so I could chat with other prisoners during the day- the privileged ones of course. One of the guards took a bribe and allowed a friend to leave a present outside the door. In the package I found a box of OJ, some sushi and other fried goodness. I hope that when I bite into the potato croquet I find some tool like a file- I hope to spend the time chiseling away at the concrete walls. Maybe a small rock pick-- and get out through the sewer system, like he does in Shawshank Redemption. Though he wasn't in solitary. Then again, no one is sodomizing or raping me. Perhaps with some hard work, maybe I can find an escape from this cell.

I was told that I can't join the party that was 50% planned for me. I can't return to the places I love because I am a danger. So I was told. I think I am OK, but the Gestapo has set the boundaries... in solitary... my cell is clearly affected by the blazing humid, heat... but Internet use is OK. Psychological control over the prisoner... I think this is an important way to ensure that I don't escape despite my likeliness to do so. The Gestapo is pretty clever.

Lots of time to think and pace the cell, so maybe I'll come up with a workout regiment that I can do... and maybe I'll see if I can barter with the guards...

Day 1. Not over, but this post is. hehehee.
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A creative approach, don't you think? Any feedback?
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Infected by proximity

I "have" pig flu. I spoke to someone who may or may not have it. Solution: Keep me out of school for a week. Not a big deal unless it is the last classes I will ever have.

No goodbye speeches, no farewell and fun classes, no goodbye parties.

That news-created sickness paranoia was over months ago... but yet I get fucked by media nonsense. Great. Sweet. About as cool as SARS... or, as I coin this: It's about as rad as Swine flu.

Chalk one up for stupid American news media.

At least, I don't have to cry in public. Consider me quarantined.

普通の、 Futtsu

In the middle! Average, ordinary! Amazing. In a 24-hour time span, I was able to feel emotion and let it pass... while acknowledging it and continuing to live. Weird. But, recognizing the emotions, identifying them, saying hello to them, really worked. I have to still practice, but it's a sign of progress that I can even recognize that I was able to see what happened.

In essence, I treated people I cared for with the same attention that I treated with the people who I dislike. I treated them on the same level as folks who I haven't ever met... They were all equal in my eyes in the moment during which we interacted. And, I was curious about them in the moment. Being there and listening and responding and "seeing." This is weird to write about. But it was a sense of clarity. And yes, you CAN begin a sentence with "but." I just feel bad that Jamie had to be around in my moment of clarity to listen while I tried to describe in words what happened. Difference is that you, the reader, are more confused because you can't see what I am saying, whereas my hand movements and gestures gave her a sense of what I was implying.

This damn near two years in Japan has really changed me. Rather, this time has been an opportunity to explore a part of me that has existed since birth. Weird.

Stronger

Kanye is the man.

"Whatever doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger."

Bye bye Myojo... It was a great last day, week... two years. A great community of hard-working, caring teachers and energetic, good-spirited kids. And they were all so nice to me. It was hard to say goodbye. But uplifting at the same time.

I have some pictures of the last days... but no energy to post them now.

And I still have to (yes, Wayne, "have to") post some fotos from my Oze overnight trek two weeks ago. I think I am going to fill an absence in my heart with conveyor belt sushi- that will hopefully fill my stomach.

New link... to the Fukuoka JET website. It is what I am a part of... so take a gander why dontchya?

eternal student

everyday i learn. recently I have been learning about myself. weird topic. feeling feelings; observing actions; yielding when my natural reaction is to go. A challenge and an interesting learning experience. Now that this cycle has started, I reckon that i will have the opportunity to learn everyday from here on out...

happy 4th of July! BBQ ova hea!