para reconocer el presente

Goodbye facebook, tootles blog, ciao time/energy-consuming technological “advances”…. Hello life. How have you been? It’s been far too long, really. It’s funny you know. I got caught up in the drama and you have been there laughing alongside me the whole time. I thought I heard a distinct chuckle, but I couldn't quite recognize it. But you stood by me, laughing, waiting for the time when I would wake up again. It’s funny because I don’t remember falling asleep, but I guess I dozed off sometime in between Chile and the United States. Or, somewhere in Japan? I can’t quite gauge the time frame, but it was a nice nap. And I have woken up and it’s great to rubbing my eyes off in the hopes of finding full awareness soon.

The moment, how I have missed you too. You are always there and you are always gone. But you last for an eternity, it seems so awkward that I have gone so long recently without noticing you. Without acknowledging you. Without accepting you… for the timeless clock that you are. But, I am beginning to see you. Not hold on to you. Not remember you in a previous form. But to accept you for your presentation in each measurement of time. Your forms are gorgeous, why didn’t I see this before? Yeah, holding on to the past… and thinking about your change in the future… I completely forgot/was sleeping/unaware to the present. Amazing. Amazing = you and amazing to be coming to consciousness to recognize you too.

Wow, these leaves were really pretty! And boy, does Eric Clapton really jam!

Are you off your rocker? Am I? Are we even rocking?

watching or dreaming? Asleep and awake

A little bit of both. On my walk this morning, before the sun came up, of course, when it was freezing cold outside, maybe not freezing, but cold enough that frost delicately coated the windshields of cars whose owners had yet to wake up and drive them to work, I was "being" and "walking." I was observing myself walk along the path, on which cars have enough room to maneuver around each other and me without dipping off the side into the irrigation ditches, in the middle of a space occupied by the summer rice paddies, which have now given way to brown patches of land and the occasional small patch of winter vegetable like lettuce. And the sensation came to "me" that I wasn't in control of the body that was doing this walking. "I" was busy absorbing the world as it was at that early morning hour. "Ohayo Gozaimasu," said the man who had approached me walking the other way. I don't know if he said it on this particular morning or if it was another day, or if he said nothing and I imagined it as my eyes caught him in the front peripheral vision of my awareness, but i responded in kind with the Japanese version of "Good Morning." Back into the world of drama and fun, I started thinking immediately. Having forgotten that I was awake, I went back to sleep on my feet as I was sauntering along, before sunrise, and dreamed about things to do and life to plan. And then I woke back up and shared a laugh with the self that I current embody and allowed myself to stay awake until I got back home and felt the urge to feed the body that had transported me on this seemingly magical, out of body experience. Then, I fell back asleep and lived the day that I have lived before, resting and having fun until the moment when i could wake up again and start to live.

life changing with seasons

it has changed... it is cold. NO kidding. I tell the kids in class that it's fall. But, I am throwing in the cards, its the beginning of winter. I haven't lived like this in a long time... maybe it was the winter in Tahoe, but then I had heating... so it must have been more recent... maybe August in Santiago, Chile. Being at the base of the western Andes during August almost killed me. But I knew that everyday it was supposedly getting warmer.

Here, however, I am aware that it is cold and that it's only getting colder! Problem is that November in Kurume is looking a lot like August in Santiago being that I can see my breath in my apartment (who needs heating anyways!) If it only gets colder, then I'll have to take days off... so that I can stay home frozen... and then head back to school when i thaw out! It sounds bad, but I am exaggerating as usual... I am getting used to it and learning how to live in colder weather... but I miss winter in the SoCal desert....

And, here it comes, (I don't want to admit it in public, but here it comes....) I am telling you the truth. Happy-go-lucky Dave has been rather down lately. Not just a little, but a lot.... (Here it is again, oy) Travel-savvy Dave has been experiencing a bad case of culture shock. (Ahh, you said it!!!, noooo.....) Being-away-from-family-and-friends-all-the-time Dave has been really missing the comforts of the known and the language he has taken for granted his entire life. It has been hard over the past three weeks and I don't know what caused it.

But it is a natural progression of how life goes... after months of ups, I consolidated my downs in a short time and it was difficult. the hardest part, however, is actually admitting it in a forum like this. People who may have never met me may read this and not know how to think. Friends of mine may wonder why I didn't consult them. And I may reread this and laugh or cry about my state now based on later happenings.... BUT, there is no way of knowing what the future may hold. It doesn't even exist but in our heads anyways... yeah, there are debts to pay, obligations to meet, holidays to celebrate... but they are never actually happening until they are happening. To plan for the future is important... but to live in the future is impossible and a rather cumbersome and drama-filled burden that doesn't actually exist.

What if a future or current employer reads this and changes their opinions about me. What if... what if... what if... you get it yet? I am not in fear, and I think that many people ARE! We live in a "free" age when we "can do whatever we want," especially in a forum like the world-wide web.... but we aren't free to share our opinions if we live in a state of fear about the "what if." We are perhaps even more restricted if we buy into fear and let it keep us from really posting our favorite band on myspace or our true thoughts on facebook. (yeah, I plugged em both- who cares). If we are too scared to express ourselves, what kind of space are we creating for ourselves? If we are holding ourselves back what kind of space are we creating for the future? That same future that we are so scared of... its almost like the current attitude of fakeness and fear is what we are actually turning into... not what we actually are! And to make it more personal again, replace all of the plural pronouns (our/we) with the first person pronoun (I/me). I extrapolated an idea that perhaps I alone have been feeling.

Where the hell did this rant come from? I don't know, but it came out and it's there and I am posting it. I have been down and now I am on a slight up.... in essence I'm just aiming for a steady middle... I think the fluctuations will eventually calm down to center....

I found an outlet for organic foods from local farmers... and I have never been so excited.

I have been hiking a bunch and hope to do some more.

My winter break is ready to rock and roll on the logistical side of things... less a couple of buses/trains. I will be buying new bindings perhaps and I should be ready to hit the slopes come five weeks from now- so long as I can get/stay healthy...

I had some other things to say, but the rant took most of my energy. Oh, I have written a couple of poems and have a couple more on the horizon too. Despite working, I have found time to work on the projects that really interest me....

Blah,

See you later, alligator (as I have been teaching the students lately!)

Rather, soon...

Plagiarism

All the world's a stage,
And the men and women merely players:
They all have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages, At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. and then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shrank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again towards childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

-Billy Shakes
from "As You Like It"

Hot and Cold

Hot during the day in the sun at least, and freezing at night, at least to me. Welcome to Autumn, though a teacher today claimed we are moving straight into winter after an extended summer (thanks GW... not George W, but Global Warming.... i can't help but think of that as more than a coincidence).

Sick and better and now sick again, but starting to feel better. My health hits the gamut, so does the weather... and the real reason for this blog, my experience an hour ago. I was asked to supervise a class, as the teacher was gone for the day. So I did it. It was awkward when I asked them to take out materials that they didn't have... because I was supposed to bring them! After 10 minutes and some searching all around, we found the stuff. And the students practiced their speeches in English, and taught me Japanese in the process too. This is after lunch and I am still in a food coma... but, wait, it continues...

Then, in the middle of the last period, i am doing work (for a teacher who has convinced me to do it for her) and two students come in and say they are supposed to have English class.... and they are! It got switched, but the teacher isn't there... so on the fly, I volunteered to teach... and got to class with a smile and a go-getter attitude. We had been discussing feelings, so I made them get up, get active and play "Feeling Pictionary." It was awesome... (I had played pictionary towards the end of the last class too) There you have it: Two in a row, on the fly and pictionary was the best wingman a teacher could ask for. Awesome. I was glowing, and of course I have to type it in my blog because its hard to elaborate in Japanese when I can barely describe what even happened... (but I did!). So here, it was one of the best feelings I've ever had, there i wrote it.

And of course, good feelings are strongly connected to bad ones... they go together, like hot and cold and healthy and sick. So, I saw two kids from my other junior high school at the vending machines while I was riding home... and they were buying cigarettes. Trying to be suspicious, but I saw them and they saw me too.

Later on the ride (DAVE, aren't you going to tell us what you did about the cigarettes?) I saw some elementary schoolkids... and they were playing with toy pistols... funny because guns are illegal in Japan. Period. And cigarettes are illegal for kids under 20 (same with drinking).

A two great uppers, based in the American English language and two dismal downers, based in American English culture. And me... and American English teacher... "Stuck in the middle with you."

I had to get that one out. What an "interesting" afternoon. Omoshiroi deshita.

(Am I going to finish the story?)

I finished the story.

Soon,

the will to live

an album and song by Ben Harper... true. but also a subliminal reason why we all haven't jumped in front of moving buses. Maybe its just that we don't have a friend who's good enough to push us, but I think there's more

Why am I here? What am I doing? Not right now, but in general? Why am I doing this? Why do I love/hate this? Regardless of the topic, these 'simple' questions prevail. And despite the 'answers,' or the lack thereof, we all have the motivation to keep going...

And that is what I call the title of this post.
(thanx W$)