everyday is a challenge

i want to blog about my weekend of madness in/near Tokyo. But i have to vent out the frustration i feel. at nothing in particular but everything in general. I am really tired, haven't been sleeping much (too much sunlight is amazing... but apparently its too much) and the small things are beginning to bother me. The smile I had in Thailand is beginning to fade away.

I recognize how i feel... and that is really cool. For instance, I hit my head on the light coming into my building and paused for a moment. I felt myself get angry, I checked the anger by realizing and then yelled "fuck" as loud as I could anyways.... but there was an interesting time lapse... I have practice to do regarding this "feeling" my feelings.

It is a challenge to be tired, traveled-out, and hungry... and to still be patient and friendly and calm. I have to do some more practice for sure. But, as is said about icy, windy days on the slopes with no vis and minus 10 degree temps: Practicing in the hardest of conditions make the good conditions that much nicer. Everyday still continues to be an adventure, but it is now becoming a challenge to strive for patience and calm.

I think another part of my anxiety stems from the fact that I will be leaving a lot of students very soon. As soon as I was whisked into their lives two years ago, I will disappear from them. And as the days get closer, I dread having to cry in public... in Japanese and English. I know it will be hard, but knowing that still doesn't make the inevitable "goodbye" any easier. One Thursday in the not too far distant future, I will have to make a goodbye speech in front of 370 students and teachers at one school. That night there is a goodbye party with my office of 60 when I will make a similar speech. The next morning, I will have another farewell speech in front of 500. The numbers are probably wrong. But that I know at least 50% of the people by name makes it even harder to say goodbye...

It will be a challenge. And it is an important part of this teaching experience. To give it all to the students with as much energy as possible and let it all go; never knowing what kind of impact I have made on their lives. If I can say goodbye to 900 folks in the span of 27 hours, then I should chalk it up for being efficient. I don't know if I'll have enough tears, but it will be a challenge to create more.

Letting the entire life go... the apartment, the job, the friends, the life.... and moving into a different one... it is so free-ing.... and so scary. I used to do it all the time but I am a bit out of shape nowadays. And it will be a challenge... every day will be a challenge. Everyday is a challenge and an opportunity to be free... and to fly