Direction

Well, I write another blog post. I have been traveling for a long time… basically since I can remember: Commuting from Mission Viejo to San Diego as a kindergartener; trips to the East Coast to visit family when we were kids; various locations to play soccer; and like a madman with my own car(s) as RAG of SWR. Then I went to UCLA and things slowed down a little. I must have been feeling the urge and felt stymied at times because of the lifestyle I chose to live in those early college years.

Then my first real trip abroad, to study in Florence. That changed everything. The world opened and all sorts of lifestyle-forming experiences happened. Traveled and snowboarded all over Italy and Chamonix. Visited cool places just for the sake of getting on the Eurostar and eating my way across the continent for that month... unforgettable skydiving in Interlaken. Traveling in Europe opening my mind to new opportunities and before my senior year at UCLA, I had a brief stint as a camp counselor.

In hindsight, my time at Capital Camps changed my life for the better. Rob, if you ever read this, “I am eternally indebted to you for hiring me as a ropes course facilitator.” I can’t imagine my life any other way. I have been a facilitator ever since, in many different capacities. I have been playful and curious. I have learned to see things from a unique and inquiry-based point of view. I feel like I got in on the ground level of all of the skills a good teacher needs…

Since 2003 I have been moving around… to South America and back (thrice!). I have been to Japan and spent almost three years there. I came back to the US and lived and worked in the American Alps. Deeply exploring nature, being physically active, making friends, and getting to know the self very well also. And the pattern continues. In each place, I have spent some time teaching. This is the crux in which I currently find myself.

I think my addiction to traveling is a state of mind. Just like Wayne has always said. It is the state of mind of a curious person who searches for knowledge and meaning. And not to become the best at something or to monopolize something. I simply have an insatiable hunger for learning. Whether it is learning Quechua to entertain locals and bargain for cheaper prices in Peru or answering phones in business Japanese as an educational administrator, I love languages. Whether it is an unforgiving bog in Ushuaia at the end of the continent or an underwater tunnel looking at seahorses in Ton Sai, I love exploring the world to see what actually EXISTS! I want to know what’s out there, how to communicate with people and environments. I strive to be a responsible global citizen who can have some understanding of the way those others live.

So, where does this leave me? I am back into the great wide open. Free at last. I can choose a direction, work hard to get myself a place, and maybe find some solace in a lifestyle that I build around it all. But coming down after a three-month high of traveling this summer is very hard. I can’t quite see the direction. Once I get that going, I know the rest will fall into place. But I’m having difficulty seeing that direction. Part of the dilemma is that “30 is old” to be starting something. Maybe I am past my ability to “get in” on something. And that has also held me down.

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The Lodgepole Pine is an interesting species of tree because it demands destruction. It is a conifer that sets itself up for death. After a good 30 years, stands of Lodgepole are designed to go up in flames. In this way, their cones open and the seeds fall into the rich soil that one often finds in the remnants of a burn zone. Fire is seen often as a destroyer in our human world. But it is in many ways a creator of life. Without the devastation there is no room for renewal and growth.

As such, I burned a bunch of my “files” recently. Years of papers I have collected, records of bank account information that really isn’t important anymore. Two boxes of paper… now ashes in my friends’ yard. I am trying to let go of the past so that I can accept a new future. I believe it is in the Lodgepole’s DNA to live in a way that is cyclic. Perhaps I, too, can’t get away from the cyclical patterns in my own cell structure to keep moving and traveling and exploring. But there is a sense of rebirth in being able to let go of the past. I can remember the lessons and life experiences that got me to thirty years old, but holding on to too much may prevent me from moving beyond that. So, I remember the Lodgepole Pine and its need for fire to tear through its life. I know that the snowshoe hare and the lynx also depend on these stands of trees. They too have cycles that emulate the fire-prone evergreen.

This leads me to the following conclusion: the recent fires in my life are necessary. They have been a long time coming. Things look different but there is still a structure on which to build, patterns to follow, and a rich legacy to continue. In reading Tim Egan’s The Big Burn, I am inspired and excited for the next steps in my own life. Though I am only half-way through the book, I can deduce already how tragedy in flames can bring strength despite leaving a wake of havoc… I can only expect that I too will find the succor in the aftermath of a Big Burn. Cryptic to the reader, perfect for me, and a lot more data and text now on the interweb.

This blog has been a very good outlet for me for five years. If I could burn the database and the entries therein, I don’t think I would do it. It is a fun tapestry that explains a bit of the life-forming experiences I have had in the formative years of my 20s. It is fun to share the pictures that I’ve taken because otherwise they’d just be locked up in files on my computer. I’d make scrapbooks, but we are all so busy these days that no one would even have time to come by and look at them. And I certainly wouldn’t schlep them around while traveling. So, I am happy for this record of my life.

But if I symbolically burn this blog, then what? Will there be chaos and destruction? Will there follow rebirth and resurrection? Will there be the eerie silence more than six years later, paralleling the Freezeout Pass and Tiffany Mountain trail from the 2006 Tripod Fire? Will there be a rich habitat with dense growth of flora and fauna? How long will it take to grow back? How patient can I be in the process? Is it worth setting the fire if I don’t know I’ll ever see the actual final outcome?

I don’t know the answers to the questions. However, I am rather excited to have asked them. In the future unknown there is fear and anxiety but there is potential for growth. In the past there is comfort and understanding, but no room for expansion. In the present there can be calmness and intensity and fun and so on, but it’s hard to put into context without some direction. So, like the cyclic nature of the Lodgepole pine, my life, and even the earth rotating around the sun, I end this post with the same inquiry that led me to write it: Direction.

Traveling is great for its own sake. Next consideration is the direction of travel. Still pondering what to do about this blog... maybe I can partially burn it for a little while.